Saturday, April 20, 2013

So when are YOU going to have another?

Can I get all personal for a moment? It is no secret my little is not so little anymore. He turned four in November. It seems impossible to turn four the day after you are born, but he managed it somehow.

Logan goes to a lot of activities: tumbling, a nature preschool, story times, and play dates. You name it, this kid usually loves to do it. I've made lots of mommy and daddy friends through these classes. Most of my friends, who I met when Logan was a baby, are now parents of two or even three. There are a couple of friends who have decided to stop at just one. They seem sure that their families are complete. Most of them know that I would like more children. So needless to say, I often get asked by family, friends, even complete strangers, "So when are you going to have another one?" 

I am completely in love with my child. He was the very best gift I have ever been given. I adore being a mother, his mother. I am truly blessed. I know this. And I want another baby. I want Logan to have siblings and experience that special relationship. I love seeing all my friends with their new babies. New babies whom I love so very much. I am happy for them, AND I want that too. 

After I had Logan, I went through a very serious bout of postpartum anxiety. One which I really never recovered fully from. I am much better now than I was, but it has never completely gone away. At first, I just sought out therapy, but it wasn't working. All the visualizations and thought stopping in the world was not effective. I finally gave in when I thought I was having a heart attack. It was actually severe anxiety, and I knew despite my ability to keep up happy appearances while my son was awake, I had to do something. I decided to try medication, and since that decision  I have tried lots of different kinds. Some had serious side effects for me; some did not work. I am currently on one that kind of works most days. This combined with therapy has been a very positive change in my life. However, all of this stress and medication changes have left me heavier than I have ever been, and my hormones completely out of whack. Therefore, as you can imagine, after many many visits to my ob, it has been determined that having a little one will not be as easy as I wish it could be.

I am hopeful that I will have another child. It might just be a longer journey to get there. So the answer to the question is hopefully soon. In the meantime, I have been soaking in every single moment I have as a family of three. I am cherishing the moments when it is just my special little kiddo and me. I am appreciative. I am grateful. And I am so very much in love. 

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